Sunday, August 15, 2010

a new end, a new beginning.

"Lisa is just afraid of commitment."
I can still hear it ringing in my ears. Yes, I've "admitted" it before - to friends, family, and people who have been affected by my fear. But I don't think I have ever fully admitted it to myself. Until one night this summer, when someone who loves and knows me more people said it to my face. And that's when it clicked.  No more of this "I don't want to hurt him," or "oh, I just don't think it will work out" without true explanations to either claim.  The truth it, I gave my heart away once to one person - and it has ruined me ever since.  Yes, I got it back, but it wasn't and still isn't the same condition as it was before I trusted it in his hands.  Not that it is his entire fault, because I claim a majority of the responsibility for our demise. I tried to fix something that was broken long before, but it was useless. And knowing that is the issue. What happens if I give my heart away again, but to yet another wrong person? How do I know whose hands are strong enough to carry my heart? How do I know who will be too weak, dropping it and allowing it to shatter again once it gets too heavy? And I'm sure many people struggle with it too, but where to they get the perseverance and peace of mind to power through and put their fear away? And why have I lost that power? If I really want to "stop hurting others" I would let go of my fear and let my heart where it wants to go, not where I think it should go. But instead, I let my heart lead for awhile but then let my fear take over , hurting myself and other people.
And this is where it ends. I vow to leave it all behind: there fears, excuses, and memories past.
Holding myself back and "protecting" my heart haven't gotten me anywhere in the past few years, so why would they now? There are so many things I wish I could say to the people I have hurt due to my fear, but I know they are words that would go in one ear and out the other because I have hindered our relationship so badly. And it kills me to know that.
So here's to leaving the past and entering the future along with any commitments it holds.

Always remember to dream,
xoxo, L.

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